remember me

In memory of
Ahlai Zikhrini Cook
November 2007-January 2008

You were a blessing from God for the short while that we were able to know you here on earth. We find peace knowing you are in Heaven with our Lord and we will meet again someday in glory.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39

Meaning of the name: Ahlai means “ornamental” or “a wish”, both of which apply to our child. An ornament is temporary, and the baby was certainly a wish we had for our future. Zikhrini is the Hebrew word for the forget-me-not and in the language represents one asking their beloved, in a positive manner, to remember them. We will remember our child.

winter wonder

The tree outside

Tuiles

Truffles

This morning it is beautiful outside! This is the second day that I've just felt really happy, and I'm enjoying it so much. Ken and I took a walk yesterday morning, and we'll be heading out to do the same in just a few minutes. We're hoping to make this a habit, as it gets us in shape and allows us to have some time to ourselves outside of the house. It's nice and crisp outside- perfect weather for our walk. I snapped a few pictures of the events of the morning so far. The sun streaming through the trees, and the cats lounging in the sun. Enjoy!

in memory of my baby

Yes, I took the picture myself, and the arrangement has meaning. When I was at the hospital, I was given a packet of stuff to help me understand and cope with the loss of my child. The background of the picture is a black velvet journal that I can write my thoughts and feelings down in, and reflect on them later. It will help me see how far I've come. The picture of the leaf with the teardrop has its own meaning. On the back of the card it says, "The leaf with the teardrop reflects both intense suffering of loss and hope for the future. Though fallen, the leaf maintains its vitality symbolizing hope. It cradles the teardrop with its upturned edges creating a sense of comfort. As seasons change, so do feelings. Just as there is winter and spring, there is sadness and hope." (Gundersen Lutheran Medical Center). The stone heart represents the baby, a part of our hearts, and we keep it in memory of him/her.

post-surgery

Well, I survived. I went in at 10am and spent a couple hours being prepped and poked and stuff. I had an adverse reaction to one of the medications, which resulted in something like a panic attack. The staff was quick to sedate me and get me into surgery so they could put me under. I remember going to sleep, and the next thing I knew the nurses were greeting me in the recovery room. I cried before and after, and the nurses all hugged me and held my hand. Most of them had had miscarriages or D&C's themselves, so I felt safe and loved with them.

Ken was there in the room before and after, and he was such an awesome support to me. He held my hand when the nurses collapsed a vein, and when the anesthesiologist found it on the first try (after kindly using lidocaine to numb my hand). He stroked my hair and gave me kisses. It was just so wonderful to have him beside me the whole time.

Andy, our youth pastor and friend, as well as David and Julie- our head pastor and his wife- all came and prayed with us throughout the day. I felt God giving me peace and reassurance. Ken's parents and my parents were there the whole time. I was in the hospital a few hours longer than expected, because I wasn't rehydrating as fast as they thought I would.

We did find out that the baby was 14 weeks old instead of 12, so that puts it in the second trimester, not first. We met with the social worker, and she gave me a journal and book to read, as well as a cute little stone heart to remember the baby by.

We went to my parents' house afterwards, and out to a nice dinner with them and my sis and her family. I was happy to be able to eat REAL food after almost 24 hours with almost nothing.

I have a 3-6 week recovery time ahead of me, but I don't feel bad anymore. I was off the meds by Tuesday. Right now I'm just feeling antsy to get back to normal. I really appreciate your continued prayers and support. Thank you so much.

goodbye, little one

Apparently I am very behind in blogging, since I haven't posted anything for almost a month! There are a lot of updates and such, and sad news.

Ken and I went to our appointment with the midwife January 10, excited to see baby Cook at 12 weeks. When she found the baby on the ultrasound, it was obvious that something was not right. There was a big lump in the umbilical cord, so she sent me to the hospital this afternoon for a high-resolution ultrasound. Ken and I went to church and our pastor prayed with us, and I think at that time I knew God was preparing me for something. During the ultrasound, I could not see the heartbeat, and when they showed heat/blood flow, there was none on the baby.

We went back to the midwife afterwards, and she told us what we were expecting to hear- the baby had died. It was about 12 weeks, so it happened pretty recently. I was scheduled for a D&C at the hospital January 11 to remove the baby. They sent him/her to pathology to find out if it was a genetic defect, or just a fluke.

Please be praying for Ken and I as we go through the grief process. We were so excited that God had blessed us with a child, and that we weren't infertile. We still look to God, for He knit that child together in the womb, and He can take away what He has created. It is just not our time to have a child. We hope to try in the future.

Cookie

Ken and I decided to call the baby Cookie until we know if it's a boy or girl. I find it cute, and it will probably stick. It's also much nicer than "nauseator" or "the fattener". We have officially agreed on names for both a boy and a girl, after some concern on my part about the girl's name. I think it was a hormonal phase, because I've always loved the name, so I don't know why I wouldn't want to choose the name for a daughter. We will be keeping those names to ourselves until we find out the sex... and maybe longer, though I like the idea of being able to give Cookie a real name :)

As you may have noticed, I've added a poll to the blog, and feel free to give your input. I have a feeling I know what Ken is going to vote, since he's telling everybody we're having a boy already... boy, will he be sorely disappointed if it's not, lol. If you're the type who bases sex off of cravings, I'll give you a hint. I'm not doing well with meat (especially cold meat and red meat) and most vegetables are so-so (though a nice plate of lettuce and ranch is good), I love dairy products, fruit, and toast. Have fun guessing!

The thing that we remember through all this is that the sex doesn't matter- what matters most is that we have a healthy baby, and thank God for this blessing.

new year

Well, I've made it through another year, and I'm still alive and well! Praise God for everything He did in my life last year! Everybody has been reminding me that '08 will be a big year for me, with the baby coming and all that jazz. I thought I would take some time and write down a few things that I want to focus on this year- maybe they're resolutions, maybe they're not. I have a bad time keeping new year's resolutions, so I will call them "determinations"... and feel free to say that in a Schwarzenegger type voice.

~ Find time each day to read my Bible... even if it's just opening it to a random page and studying.
~ Pray more with Ken, pray more alone... just pray more.
~ Rejoice in each day God gives me
~ Get out of the house more than once a week, for reasons other than groceries.
~ Read all the books I've been putting off.
~ Finish school... without driving myself crazy.
~ Figure out a budget that works.
~ Make a chore chart (finally) so I don't go on cleaning frenzies.
~ Take care of myself (and baby).
~ Organize the whole apartment so I don't feel so stressed.
~ Learn to let the stress go (this may be the hardest of all).
~ Laugh more.
~ Kiss and hug and let Ken know how much I love and appreciate him, every day.
~ Learn to accept change and be o.k. with it.

That's what I've come up with as of now, and I'm sure there's plenty more that I could be doing, but this seems like a big enough task for now. Notice that I don't have anything related directly to the baby... I have 7 months before I really need to worry about him/her in real life, and I have so many other things that I want to accomplish before he/she is here. Hopefully by doing those things, I will be better equipped to be a more godly wife and mother. The other reason is that I don't think a woman can ever really fully prepare herself for what comes with motherhood :)

So wish me luck and pray for me; God has changed a lot in my life over the years, and I'm looking forward to giving it all to Him and trusting Him to guide me in the direction He has planned for me in the years to come. What a great and mighty God we serve!