Tuesday, March 25, 2008

midnight dishes and nyquil

Sometimes I just get hit with a sudden urge to clean. Have you ever experienced that? Tonight it was the dishes. I was in the kitchen taking my nighttime dose of cough medicine, and I realized that there were dishes that weren't washed. I had to do them. I tried to walk away, tried to convince myself to go to bed, but to no avail. The dirty dishes were calling to me, begging me to pick up the sponge and wash them. Never mind that we're not allowed to run our dishwasher at night. I just hand washed them all, and put them in the dishwasher for tomorrow morning.

I could blame it on the cold medicine that makes my head foggy, but that just wouldn't explain all those other times that I just have to clean things. In fact, I have a big cleaning project planned for the next week or so. Call it spring cleaning, if you will. I call it post-degree reconstruction of the household. It sounds fancy, I know, but it's really just old-fashioned hard work done by the sweat of the brow.

Ok, now that the meds are kicking in, I'm getting sleepy, and my hubby is calling me to bed. So I will leave you, and grab that one lingering dish I noticed a certain someone (hint: not me) left out. It must join the others.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

to you, little one

I miss you today, my child.
I am reminded that I would have been about six months along now, and would have been able to feel you moving around.
I would have seen your beautiful face on the ultrasound, seen clearly all your little fingers and toes. I wonder still what you would have looked like, whether you would have had your daddy's eyes or mine.
Sometimes I still feel like you're there, still think I feel those tiny movements you made before you left.
It's a little empty without you still.
Everybody's babies are having birthdays soon, and I wish that I could look forward to yours.
I know that God took you home for a reason; maybe you were just too good for us.
The pain is less now, but I still wish I had you back.
I know that in God's time I will have another baby, but they can't and won't ever replace you.
I love you, Ahlai.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

a day among days

Yesterday Ken and I had the opportunity to drive to Seattle and see our friends Crystal and Malachi and their little girl Sophia. They live in Louisiana but were in town for Malachi's job training. We'd never met face-to-face but have been conversing for months online. We met at Christian Apologetic and Research Ministries, and have tons in common.

It was so much fun to get to see them in person finally! We had great conversation and a good dinner at Red Robin (which they had never heard of). Southern hospitality is a refreshing thing up here in the North! We're looking forward to more fun times if they ever return to our side of the country. I'm personally petitioning for them to move here so we can see them all the time!

Saturday, March 1, 2008


Has anybody else ever experienced a conflict of interest between family and God? I haven't ever really experienced that kind of conflict until this year. I'm seriously torn. It seems the more I rely on God, the more independent I must be from those around me. I've always considered my family to be the closest to me, but I think God is starting to fill that space now. I still take into account what others say, but I always take everything to the Lord before I make any moves on my own.

My faith has started to have a life of its own. I no longer rely on what others have taught me my entire life- I look at the Word, I put scriptures in context, and I build my own understanding. Now, I'm not saying that I've been taught falsehoods my entire life, but I am discovering some things that I didn't know before.

It's interesting that when you get married you form your very own family. I've recently realized that my loyalty must be to my husband as to the Lord. If my husband is doing God's will, I have nothing to worry about, ever, even if it seems scary sometimes. My husband and I are one, and I must rely on him to be the spiritual leader of our family. God does not join us for no reason. He gives us our spouse to fulfill the relationship He intended. I must guard my marriage from outside influences that would divide us.

"For this reason a man will leave his mother and father and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together let man not separate." - Mark 1:7-9

I am just so thrilled that God has been revealing my purpose to me. I used to wonder just what it was I was supposed to do in life. For those of you who have known me for a while, my choices have reflected that. I've bounced around, tried out things here and there. I think the Lord really began to mold me this summer, and drew me to Him. My job is to be a wife. It seems so insignificant to many, but I take the job seriously. I am to be the helpmeet of my husband, the one who compliments him, submitting to him and trusting him. He has a much more difficult job than I do, and I respect that.

"21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." - Ephesians 5:21-27

How amazing is it that marriage is to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church! I was asked this week, if the wife is to submit to the husband, what does the husband do? He loves the wife. He is like Christ, and the wife is like the Church. The husband must love as Christ loved, and as Christ humbled himself the husband humbles himself and puts his wife's interests before his own, but under that of the Lord. It is an impossible task, but God did not give it without purpose. I think that we can see just how amazing Christ's love is when we try to be like Him.

"1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." - 1 Peter 3:1-7

Yes, I know I'm repeating these verses a lot. I think they are very important for us to study, and give the most insight into why we marry and how a marriage should look. I want to be considered one of Sarah's daughters. I want to be the woman of God that He is leading me to be. I want to be a witness to the world about what Christ has done in my life.

This brings me back to my original point. I am torn between God and family to some extent. I worry more than I should, and that has been leading me to prayer in the past month. I pray much of the day. I lift it all to Him, and He guides me. I have clear direction, and I am not ashamed. My conclusion: God wins.

“16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. 17 For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: ‘The righteous will live by faith.’” – Romans 1:16-17