time passes, the old passes

Last weekend marked the one year memorial of Ahlai's death. Ken was away on a high school youth retreat when I remembered what day it was, and I had to stop and think about how I was going to handle that. I surprised myself. I didn't cry, didn't feel that same intense, gut gripping pain I felt when we first realized our baby was gone. Instead I was reflective, and thankful for all the Lord has done with me in the past year.

There was a time when I couldn't imagine not feeling crushed when thinking about Ahlai. Now I can lovingly recognize that little gift God blessed Ken and I with for 14 weeks, and praise the Lord that He holds our son in His arms in heaven. God has done so much for us over the past year. He has blessed us in ways I would never have imagined. Ken and I are just weeks from the birth of Weslee, which we never thought would happen this soon. We are living in a house, and have family and friends that love us. We may be one of those poor married couples, but we are so richly blessed in so many other ways. I've been telling Ken this week how happy I am that we're not "well-off" because I see people being controlled by money every day, and it saddens me.

The Lord teaches us all how to rely on Him, and sometimes He does that through life's tragedies. As a Christian, we must be in the Word and realize that He uses everything for good, even if it is not our standard or preference of "good", and even when we can't see how He will use our situation.

There is a song, and the lyrics ring so true for me:

"You give and take away, You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name"

mother's day/birthday

Every so often, my birthday falls on Mother's Day, which is fun because the family has more to celebrate. This year it was a bit different for me, because it also marked four months since Ahlai passed. The week leading up to it was very emotional for me, because I just longed for a baby to love and care for. I listened to all of my pregnant friends get excited for the day, and I wondered if anybody would remember that I was a mom, too. My pastor said something the week before that stuck with me, and made me realize that everything would be ok. I prayed a lot, and cried a little, and Ken was by my side the entire time. Well, Sunday came and I headed to church wearing my "angel mom" pin that my mother-in-law Carol gave me (I cried when I opened the card). I had a few birthday wishes, and a couple Mother's Day wishes, but nothing big. I took the gift for the mothers, and nobody questioned me. One of the elders was so kind in telling me that he had thought of me, knowing the significance of the day.

The rest of the day was spent up at my parents' house eating breakfast for dinner (a Mother's Day tradition) and just having fun times. I got sweet cards from my family, and teared up a little at their thoughtfulness at remembering what is important to me.

So Sunday came and went, and I survived. I was amazingly blessed on that day, and am so thankful that God provides in ways that we do not expect- not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Though most people did not remember me on the day, I found that I didn't need them to. My family remembered me, and most importantly, God remembered me.

to you, little one

I miss you today, my child.
I am reminded that I would have been about six months along now, and would have been able to feel you moving around.
I would have seen your beautiful face on the ultrasound, seen clearly all your little fingers and toes. I wonder still what you would have looked like, whether you would have had your daddy's eyes or mine.
Sometimes I still feel like you're there, still think I feel those tiny movements you made before you left.
It's a little empty without you still.
Everybody's babies are having birthdays soon, and I wish that I could look forward to yours.
I know that God took you home for a reason; maybe you were just too good for us.
The pain is less now, but I still wish I had you back.
I know that in God's time I will have another baby, but they can't and won't ever replace you.
I love you, Ahlai.

a glimpse of the dawn

When I was first dealing with the loss of Ahlai I thought of the song "Trading My Sorrows"

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

Well, now I'm beginning to see the morning after the night. Today I got a call from my midwife, Nan, and was expecting bad news because her tone was so somber. Instead, I got the best news I've heard in a long while- all the genetic tests came back normal! They determined the umbilical cord just didn't attach properly. We are free to have children whenever we decide to. I just praise God that we are still healthy and can have healthy babies!

This has been a long, hard while for Ken and I, and we are finding new ways to know each other each day. We have had many discussions about what the future may hold for us and children, and now we have a direction to move toward. It's amazing how God can turn the worst things in life into lessons that bring us closer to Him.

My prayer is that Ken and I will still lean on the Lord as much even when we are getting back to normal and continue to communicate as we have learned to these past weeks.

P.S.- We had a little BOY

remember me

In memory of
Ahlai Zikhrini Cook
November 2007-January 2008

You were a blessing from God for the short while that we were able to know you here on earth. We find peace knowing you are in Heaven with our Lord and we will meet again someday in glory.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39

Meaning of the name: Ahlai means “ornamental” or “a wish”, both of which apply to our child. An ornament is temporary, and the baby was certainly a wish we had for our future. Zikhrini is the Hebrew word for the forget-me-not and in the language represents one asking their beloved, in a positive manner, to remember them. We will remember our child.

in memory of my baby

Yes, I took the picture myself, and the arrangement has meaning. When I was at the hospital, I was given a packet of stuff to help me understand and cope with the loss of my child. The background of the picture is a black velvet journal that I can write my thoughts and feelings down in, and reflect on them later. It will help me see how far I've come. The picture of the leaf with the teardrop has its own meaning. On the back of the card it says, "The leaf with the teardrop reflects both intense suffering of loss and hope for the future. Though fallen, the leaf maintains its vitality symbolizing hope. It cradles the teardrop with its upturned edges creating a sense of comfort. As seasons change, so do feelings. Just as there is winter and spring, there is sadness and hope." (Gundersen Lutheran Medical Center). The stone heart represents the baby, a part of our hearts, and we keep it in memory of him/her.

post-surgery

Well, I survived. I went in at 10am and spent a couple hours being prepped and poked and stuff. I had an adverse reaction to one of the medications, which resulted in something like a panic attack. The staff was quick to sedate me and get me into surgery so they could put me under. I remember going to sleep, and the next thing I knew the nurses were greeting me in the recovery room. I cried before and after, and the nurses all hugged me and held my hand. Most of them had had miscarriages or D&C's themselves, so I felt safe and loved with them.

Ken was there in the room before and after, and he was such an awesome support to me. He held my hand when the nurses collapsed a vein, and when the anesthesiologist found it on the first try (after kindly using lidocaine to numb my hand). He stroked my hair and gave me kisses. It was just so wonderful to have him beside me the whole time.

Andy, our youth pastor and friend, as well as David and Julie- our head pastor and his wife- all came and prayed with us throughout the day. I felt God giving me peace and reassurance. Ken's parents and my parents were there the whole time. I was in the hospital a few hours longer than expected, because I wasn't rehydrating as fast as they thought I would.

We did find out that the baby was 14 weeks old instead of 12, so that puts it in the second trimester, not first. We met with the social worker, and she gave me a journal and book to read, as well as a cute little stone heart to remember the baby by.

We went to my parents' house afterwards, and out to a nice dinner with them and my sis and her family. I was happy to be able to eat REAL food after almost 24 hours with almost nothing.

I have a 3-6 week recovery time ahead of me, but I don't feel bad anymore. I was off the meds by Tuesday. Right now I'm just feeling antsy to get back to normal. I really appreciate your continued prayers and support. Thank you so much.

goodbye, little one

Apparently I am very behind in blogging, since I haven't posted anything for almost a month! There are a lot of updates and such, and sad news.

Ken and I went to our appointment with the midwife January 10, excited to see baby Cook at 12 weeks. When she found the baby on the ultrasound, it was obvious that something was not right. There was a big lump in the umbilical cord, so she sent me to the hospital this afternoon for a high-resolution ultrasound. Ken and I went to church and our pastor prayed with us, and I think at that time I knew God was preparing me for something. During the ultrasound, I could not see the heartbeat, and when they showed heat/blood flow, there was none on the baby.

We went back to the midwife afterwards, and she told us what we were expecting to hear- the baby had died. It was about 12 weeks, so it happened pretty recently. I was scheduled for a D&C at the hospital January 11 to remove the baby. They sent him/her to pathology to find out if it was a genetic defect, or just a fluke.

Please be praying for Ken and I as we go through the grief process. We were so excited that God had blessed us with a child, and that we weren't infertile. We still look to God, for He knit that child together in the womb, and He can take away what He has created. It is just not our time to have a child. We hope to try in the future.